Don’t say this to your single friends

*WARNING: LOTS OF SARCASM AND DRY HUMOR TO COME – THIS POST IS NOT MEANT TO OFFEND”

By the way, I know I said “friends” shouldn’t say this, but these notes are things everyone should consider not saying.

We are a couple of days deep into the month of love, and almost to the day of love- yes I am talking about Valentine’s Day. If you have been paying attention, you know that the second day of the new year marks the time when the hearts, roses, chocolates ++ displays start to appear in stores- we know these areas because they are all decorated RED.

As a bit of humor- jumping on the love month wagon, I have decided to share four things I think you should avoid saying to your single friends- well at least to me… lol- And one bonus thing, you should avoid doing. Yes, this applies to the friends who seemingly have no hope because they are hard headed, the ones who can’t seem to keep a “man” or “woman”, and the ones who seem way too okay with being single. Yes, ALL the single friends.

Now friends who are in relationships, please don’t be offended, we love you. I am sure I may end up stepping on some toes, but I hope above all else, that this post with a little humor, and no hard feelings will have you a little more mindful and knowledgeable. Though I must say not all friends in relationships or friends in general say these things. We are okay, but when you say these things some of us 1) begin feeling “not okay”, and others feel 2) annoyed and frustrated.

Singleness is not an illness. If we are being honest here- especially for women with this male to female ratio- somebody is bound to end up being single.

I know that these “things you should avoid saying” is general, and applies to some of the female singles at least, but I would really like to know if any of the male singles out there can relate? Idk guys, you will have to tell me (seriously)- if you read this. Anyway let’s get into this list:

“I want you to be happy”

Please understand that I can’t wrap my mind around this statement. When friends say it, we know they mean no harm, and really do want the best for us. But when they say it to us in relation to being in a romantic relationship, we hear or at least I hear- You can’t be fully happy and joy filled when single, so you need to be in a relationship to achieve the ultimate level of happiness, and that topped up joy filled life. I cannot be the only person who thinks it’s so weird to hear people who were single and tooting the horn of the “happy” single train, say “I JUST want you to be as happy as I am”, while trying to play matchmaker- now showing signs that they are uncomfortable with your singleness. It makes me wonder if the “happiness” they portrayed while single, was just a front, and now they have a chance to be happy. Or is it that we are so conditioned to believe that happiness comes in a specific gift wrapped package, that once we get something that looks remotely close, those preconceived notions rise to the surface?

If you are in a relationship and happy- be happy. But having friends who are in intimate relationships, try to set you up because they are in these relationships is annoying.

Some of the single friends out there would like you to know that we are at peace in our singleness, and are happy. There are some people who are not, and that is okay. Let me also add that it is possible to be single, happy and filled with joy, while still wanting to be in an intimate relationship.

“How are you still single?”

This seems to be the question of the hour. But I have a question: how in the name of the Lord Jesus should I be able to answer this quadratic equation? I don’t know what is wrong with me or what is so right with me that I am not in a romantic relationship. What I can say though, is that I am living. I know that some of us are the best things since slice bread, but asking us this question tomorrow when we just answered it yesterday, really doesn’t help those of us who are getting annoyed and frustrated. We know it is a question meant to tell us how great we are, but most times people ask it desiring an answer – I can assure you, I would prefer you not ask me.

“You’ll find the right person someday”

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was sitting in a castle window looking out, wondering where her prince charming was, while the song “someday over the rainbow” is being classically played in the background. Dramatic- I know. I don’t know if I have been the only one to hear this said to me in the kindest way, and heard violins playing. Like “don’t worry, there will be one day where you will finally be happy”. The joke is there are some people who will follow this statement up with a conjunction, and say something like “but maybe you need to stop coming across as too…….”. I know some of you have heard it before, so you can fill in the blanks. There are some friends who seem without fail, to inform singles about their “problem”- quick to tell us about what we have to do less of and what we have to do more of. My problem with the “problem” statement, is that it usually attacks something about the individual that is a part of who they are- like someone whose laugh is loud- told to “tone it down”, or someone who is naturally reserved being told to present as more outgoing. Can we just come to the consensus at the end of reading this post to leave people alone? You really don’t know what’s going on in their life. What if the person after years of being teased about that laugh finally just embraced it? Can we seek to be more gracious toward singles, and stop trying to cure their disease?

“When are you going to settle down?”

I don’t know how this statement hits for men, but I know for women, who are working hard, accomplishing goals and impacting their community ++ this can be such a soul stomping statement. Some of us get confused, because we are working hard to be debt free & financially stable, traveling, educated- “wi head put on right”, and somehow that does not translate to the world around us as someone who is settled. When basically, someone who settles down accepts responsibilities and lives a calmer life. We get it, you want the best for us- but some of us are having a hard enough time as it is maneuvering in this world without the added pressure of someone else’s definition of settling down. And for those of us in the Church, who are told to “wait on the Lord” this can be such a burdensome question, because we can’t wait on Him, and fulfill the Church congregation’s timeline, of when we should be hitched. Honestly, some of us are struggling- we want the family, we want the “one he sends for me”, but we need to follow Biblical principles- having our lives governed by the word of God. I will just leave that be, because I could say more.

Bonus: One thing you should avoid doing

“Telling us about the children you wish you had, so they could marry us”

You may not know this, but this statement even if it is meant as a compliment, might not translate that way. This is what the individual may hear “I feel so sorry you have no one, I wish I had a child, so you could possibly have someone”. Yes, I know, you didn’t mean it that way, but the individual may have heard “self-pity” instead of a compliment.

For the fun of it I decided to add another one

“Pointing out A, B, C and every other letter of the alphabet, who is still single”

For the additional record introducing us to someone, with the addition of- He is single/She is single- out loud with a smile doesn’t make the interaction less awkward. Please STAWP trying to set us up every chance you get, or asking us what we think about “X, Y, Z”. If we are interested in someone, we will let you know. And if we do share that we like someone, respect our process, and the time we take to develop our romantic relationships without trying to get involved. We will share, when we want to.

With all that I have said, I am sure most of us singles just want you to be a present friend, who can be relied on when needed.

We just ask that you do your best, not to make us feel awkward about our actually happy and joy filled lives. And for those of us who are working on being happy and joy filled, be patient with us- a relationship may not be the solution. We are people who are working on being whole- romantic relationship or not- to our friends and family we say, please stop making us feel like we have horns growing from our foreheads.

A reminder to the singles:

Singleness is not an illness. As I heard someone say, it’s not punishment for doing something wrong. Live your best life, working toward being whole. If you desire to be married- great! If you decide to be a eunuch- great! Let the beauty of Jesus be seen in you. Seek to be content in whatever state you are in. Every season has a purpose. Don’t rush into anything, push for anything to please anyone, or try to catch up with a timeline you have for your life.

Women, I know some of us feel the pressure, because we think about our fertile years (some more than others), but please don’t rush into the wrong thing.

I hope you have had as much fun reading this, as I had writing it! If you have any “don’ts” or interesting experiences to share, please do so in the comments. I look forward to hearing from you!

Ashley ♥♥

#followerofChrist