To honor the death burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ, I decided to turn the #ShineYourLightChallenge post I made on IG into a blog post.
I am a Church girl….
It would surprise many of you to know the resentment that blossomed in my heart everytime someone said to me “you are a church girl.”
I was born on the proverbial “church bench”, my parents were in ministry before I was born, in fact, they are my Pastors, and have been from the moment my cry indicated God had blessed me with life. I was listening to them minister/preach the word of God before I even knew what I was hearing.
But I found their shadows haunted me as I grew older, which also lead to me resenting them at times. It was like this inescapable choke hold. No matter where I went the words “your parents are pastors”, along with “pastor pickney a di worse” (a pastors child is worse than other children) followed me. Many used the word “pastor” to determine my identity, even before I knew who I was or even before knowing me. They also used the word to determine how I should act, and carry myself – as if I were the pastors of the church. I have been ignored in Church and then hugged by those who did it, because they learned the names of my parents. So, I found statements like ” Church girl” an insult to all that I was- it felt like a casket I was made to die in, instead of an identity I should be proud to wear.
But I was a Church girl, baptised and filled with the Holy Ghost, because I wanted to please God. He had showed himself and I had met Him in numerous ways. But, I felt bound by all these expectations, and naturally an individual who desires to live will fight, so that’s what I did- I fought against the thing, trying to tell me who I was supposed to be – the Church. And I did it the only way I knew how – I rebelled.
I eventually became the coin that was lost in the house. The one, no one would have known was lost, because doing Church was in my blood- but God wasn’t- not yet anyway. I was being used by God 🤷🏼♀️, but outside of service- we were in malice.
I remember when I told God I wasn’t gonna preach or teach, I now imagine Him smiling, patting my head and saying “there, there” 😂. Who knew running away from the expectations of Church people, meant I would run into the love of God. Who knew this was where I would be now?- I surely didn’t. Who knew this is what God had in store + more I have yet to see? – I didn’t. Saved parents don’t save you, God does. I serve not because my parents are Pastors/Church leaders and I am to carry- on their legacy but because the Love of God has been shed abroad in my heart.
When I came to myself like the prodigal son, I used to be SO ashamed of being broken before God; because “perfection is what He wants”, and I am far from it. I was seeking to be perfect in my own strength. I didn’t get what “His strength is made perfect in my weakness” meant. It took falling to learn the truth of His ability to carry me. It took having panic attack moments while reflecting on my past, to know the truth of His grace.
Honestly, I look back now, and have the opporutnity to laugh at some of the foolery I was going on with trying to disprove the call of God on my life, because I had confused the voice of the people with the voice of God. Many expected me to do, because my parents do. But I do it because Christ died for a rebellious, full of attitude, cuss out anybody, hate to be told what to do, angry, resentful, grudgeful, lying, partying, fornicating, gluttonous, malice keeping, gossip spreading, low self-esteem having +++ – NOW SAVED (delivered and set free) girl like me.
So yeah…. I am a CHURCH girl!
PS: I am sure some of this might be news to my parents….. lool
Thank you for reading,
♥♥♥ Ashley ♥♥♥ #followerofChrist
