Since having multiple titles for a post is never a bad thing, my second title choice is “The translation of jealousy”, you can actually let me know which title you prefer.
Before I get into sharing my thoughts please note: In this post, you will find me using the words emotion/s and feeling/s interchangeably.
So, let’s get into it…..
The word jealous is defined as Envious or resentful of the good fortune or achievements of another, hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage, intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness.
We live in a world of constant comparison. You can debate me on this seemingly generalized statement, but I dear you to google “who wore it better?”. You and I both know what you will find. Between the gossip magazines, and parents asking why you can’t be more like your brother or sister? Our lives are primed for an injection of jealousy at some point. So, I write this unashamed to admit that I have on multiple occasions been bitten by the jealousy bug.
I know (because I have lived experience) that being bitten by the jealousy bug, because of it’s radioactive nature, can have us changing into very venomous creatures, willing to commit murder to destroy our competition. I mean that is what Cain did to Abel. God challenged Cain for his substandard sacrifice, and Cain decided that his brother was the actual problem, not his heart condition. And I am sure in whichever “verse” you prefer, you can find one villain whose actions are partly influenced by jealousy of the hero.
Jealousy will have you believing that non-existent threats exist. It will have you believing that people who haven’t had a second thought about you, are out to get you. And in keeping with “self-preservation”, jealousy can drive you to do what you can to “kill” this perceived threat.
As I am growing, I am learning to accept and understand my feelings a little more. There were times when I disregarded some of them, foolishly believing they had no merit. I have come to appreciate the language of my emotions. Now, I seek to understand why a feeling has been evoked vs. saying this feeling shouldn’t be here, and brushing it aside. I have found value in translating the language of my emotions.
Some of us unfortunately by way of our upbringing shy away from “bad” emotions. As a Caribbean baby, Jamaican to be specific, there are certain sayings I grew up hearing that I wonder if it affected how I dealt with these “bad” emotions. For example, when you would get spanked (a beating), and cry, the question would be asked “why are you crying? Did I give you something to cry for? This was the signal to quickly dry the tears, or else there would be more to come. Or if you felt sad about not getting something, being told that you should feel grateful because you had XYZ. Now I do not disagree with expressing gratitude however I have often wondered if constantly hearing these things taught me to brush certain feelings aside. I mean, since my life was so great, I had no right to certain feelings…correct? At least that’s what I thought.
Which brings me to this point. I have felt jealous. I can recount moments where I had feelings of jealousy. If I brought this to a certain group of people, the sentiment would probably be, why are you jealous? What do you have to be jealous for? You should be grateful (this is the brush it off phraseology)! To these people jealousy would be the wrong emotion to feel, because with my life, I have no right. But what if I am not where I thought I would? What if I don’t have the friends I thought I would have?
As I said earlier, I am growing to value the language of my emotions. I am no longer mad at myself for being jealous because I have nothing to be jealous of, but I seek to understand what this emotion of jealousy is trying to communicate to me. I have stopped believing that there are any emotions that I should not feel: 1) Because I am human 2) To feel is to properly function as God has made me. Having learnt that God is a jealous God, I have decided it is okay to be jealous. However what is not okay, is allowing that jealousy to fester into something ugly or follow this emotion down a destructive path that would hurt someone or myself. A healthy exploration of the feeling of jealousy usually translates to these three things in my life: 1) A lack of contentment 2) A presence of entitlement 3) A lack of focus.
A lack of contentment
Contentment: a state of happiness and satisfaction.
Merriam-Webster Dictionary
Jealousy translates to a lack of contentment, because you and I are often jealous of people standing or sitting in a position that 1) we do not believe we occupy (fully contingent upon your view of yourself- because others might see you in that light) 2) we would like to occupy or prefer to be in. For example, watching My Teen Cribs at a young age when your parents are struggling to pay the bills, might bring feelings of jealousy because of the apparent easy and lavish life of the teens on screen. Meaning you are dissatisfied with your current circumstances, because of what you believe someone else has.
Side note: I say “you believe” because these internet cat fishers and fake-fluencers are very real. Some put A GRANDE amount of effort into portraying a life that does not exist – heavy on the photoshopped life.
I had to learn that a lack of what I thought would add ease and value to my life contributed to my lack of contentment. When I start to feel dissatisfied with my life, and begin to feel jealous of someone else’s, I have to start asking myself the question- what do I believe this individual has that I consider valuable and want? Is it money? Is it Instagram followers? Is it discipline? Is it their voice? Is it because their voice causes them to receive attention, people love them and it allows them to fit in, and I crave that because I always feel weird? What do they have, that I feel I need to make my life better?
The story is told (this is how my dad starts telling stories..lool) of a woman, who lived in a poor community, in a broken down house, where fleas were her alarm for prayer in the morning. She prayed – “God I need a better house, these fleas are such a bother”. She was blessed to move into a more upscale community and into a newer house, but as a result her prayer life started slacking. After some time she moved back to the flea infested home, and when asked why, stated that she was living “better” but her prayer life got lazy, the fleas were the prayer alarm. Prayer was more valuable to her in this case than a nicer home. Once her prayer life was good, she was satisfied aka content.
1 Timothy 6:6-8 – “But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.”
A presence of entitlement
Entitlement: 1) a belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges. 2) A high or inordinate opinion of one’s own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.
Have you ever heard someone say, why does she/he deserve this and I don’t? Or, Why do people keep calling him, and not me? Statements of this nature, depict a sense of entitlement. I have learnt that this sense of entitlement is heavily rooted in a proud and haughty spirit, and we know that God opposes the proud.
As a Christian who believes that God makes everything beautiful in it’s own time, when is it okay, for me to believe that God shouldn’t bless an individual? When is it okay, for me to believe that I am more deserving and worthy of a blessing or opportunity than my brother and sister?
The joke is, these questions flow from a very limited perspective, because how could finite, lowly, living second by second me, have the knowledge, wisdom and understanding to express, that I am more deserving than someone else?
It has come to my attention that in these cases, I am not mad at the individual but God, because the question really should be: God why didn’t you bless me like so and so? The question that follows is why do I believe God owes me this? If God did bless me in this way, do I currently have the capacity to steward this blessing well?
I mean why shout about the $50,000 God will send tomorrow, that one has no use for and would squander, to shout about another $50,000 next week? But let me leave this, because these are thoughts for another day.
If/when I find myself in these positions, I am quick to repent, because it means I have gotten too big for my breeches, and humility has taken a back seat on this journey. Or I can say it this way I am having a high or inordinate opinion of my own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in my mind or as displayed in bearing, or conduct.
A lack of focus
Focus: 1) A center of activity, attraction, or attention. A point of concentration.
This connects to my thoughts on a presence of entitlement. When I find myself feeling jealous, it is usually a wake up call, that I have let the ball drop. I have a life to live. I have a position to play in the game of life, and I got too distracted watching someone play their part, and being jealous at the part they are playing vs. holding my position to ensure that the team wins the game.
On any team, if a player loses focus, and starts slacking, then it places pressure on other team members to carry the load. Which puts a strain on the team.
1 Corinthians 12:12 “The human body has many parts, but the many parts make up one whole body. So it is with the body of Christ.”
God has placed gifts, abilities, and talents in you that are important but you have to value yourself. You weren’t blessed by God to use your gifts to barter for validation and attention. You are valued which was why you were blessed with purpose to avoid aimless wondering through life.
When you are focused on doing the absolute best with what you have, you really have no time to worry about anyone else. When you understand the value of what you bring to the table you see room for collaboration instead of competition.
You and I aren’t experts enough to know everything.
Tough pill to swallow: If you are focused on what someone is doing and the attention that person is getting, it means you have stopped working toward your goals. It means, you have stopped guarding your heart. It means you have stopped affirming yourself, and started viewing that individual as more worthy- now they are viewed by you as being “more entitled”, which in turn has you resenting them. Isn’t it a conundrum?
If you are ever find bitten by the jealousy bug like me:
Remember who God says you are – Spend time reaffirming yourself with His word. You hold the same value as the next person. You are valuable – period.
Psalm 139: 14 “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
Remember God’s promises – His words to you are true. He does not lie.
Phil 4:19 “And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”
Take some time to evaluate what you consider valuable. Are your priorities misplaced? Are you focused on the wrong thing? Like the example of Cain and Abel or the woman who valued prayer over the new home – I can’t say it was a better home, because that is merely a temporal measure where she was more focused on storing heavenly treasure.
1 Timothy 6: 11 “…..pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.”
Proverbs 4:7 “Wisdom is supreme; so acquire wisdom. And whatever you may acquire, gain understanding.”
Seek good counsel – talk to someone who can help shift your perspective. And in that same breathe take some time to sit with yourself – turn off the social media for example- revisit your goals. It is surprising how quickly you forget or get distracted from your actual objective. Which is made worse, if you have no boundaries, and others are always being allowed to pile their priorities on your plate.
Proverbs 11: 14 “Without wise leadership, a nation falls; there is safety in having many advisers.”
Practice Gratitude – It is easy to forget how much you have. And it is this amnesia that causes the lack of contentment. Being grateful helps you refocus on how blessed you truly are. What are you grateful for today?
I know this was a mouthful. Thank you for reading, and I hope those of you burying feelings of jealousy in shame, and condemning yourselves are reminded that you are not alone – it’s a process. You aren’t at the end of your journey there is still more to come. And it’s a beautiful journey even with the thunderstorms and tornadoes. Trust that God will make everything beautiful in it’s time. Those who trust in the Lord will not be desolate (barren, bleak, unfruitful….).
Ashley
