It was not too long ago when I was in a really dark place mentally. If you saw me on the street you would have never known. It’s easy for me to put up a wall and make it seem as though all is well. Now that I think about it, maybe that’s why the short story series “Unmask” (coming soon to my blog) wasn’t so hard to conjure up. I was in a place where it felt like every decision I ever made was a mistake. Things weren’t working out the way I wanted it to and it was just mentally challenging.
There were times when I would lay in my bed and every bad decision I felt I ever made in my life would be remembered and I would have to endure this wave of shame and disappointment that would cripple me to the point where I couldn’t breathe. Tears would be flowing and I would feel such emotional anguish at how unworthy I was. The problem I realized was that I couldn’t forgive myself; I couldn’t forgive myself for making mistakes, for saying or doing the “wrong thing”. I would nit pick at everything I did. I held myself to such standards that when I broke them, they in turn broke me.
I have felt first hand the effects of the poison of unforgiveness, and learned how emotionally damaging it can be. I was slowly killing myself. Feeding myself this poison that I could not figure out how to stop drinking. It wasn’t pleasing, it never gave me a high, and yet for some reason I felt like I had deserved this. It took the Lord God, sending someone who I didn’t know to minister to me and say “you need to forgive yourself because you have been forgiven and you have been holding yourself hostage for too long” for me to release all of what was bottled up.
As I have grown over the years, I have found reflection to be an effective tool in assessing growth and development. It is necessary because it prevents me from minimizing my progress, it helps me celebrate where I am, and it helps me utilize what I have gone through as a propeller to push me forward.
During my time of reflection and meditation, I imagined being a forefather from the bible- Abraham, Joshua, or Moses etc. walking through the valleys, building tents, providing for my family and taking care of animals. The part of their journey that really caught my attention was their practice of building altars or creating landmarks as a memorial of what God did for them and His provisions. For example in Exodus 17:15 after the Israelites were victorious in war against the Amorites, Moses built an altar which he called Jehovah Nissi . This was to give God glory for being their banner and protector, that place, and altar became a reminder, to the Children of Israel every time they passed by, of what the Lord had done and his protection; as a result the Children of Israel would give God praise and glory for what He had done.
While meditating on this I started to imagine that my mind was the land I traveled on a daily basis. I viewed my memories as locations, and in those memories I found words, conversations and actions which had become landmarks that brought forth certain reactions, caused certain emotions to be emitted, and with the drop of a hat my mood was changed. These words, conversations and actions became the altars that I built in my mind, which were reminders of the unpleasant emotions I felt on particular days and in particular moments.
My memories became a place filled with landmarks and altars of my disappointments, my mistakes, and my unforgiveness. Every time I journeyed to those memories and viewed the landmarks in my mind I would glorify my mistakes to the point where they would cripple me emotionally. I would bow to these altars I had built called: rejection, anger, and malice etc. The enemy I am assuming loved these moments when I remembered my “failings”, because I had built an altar to condemn myself. To glorify and exalt things in my past that God didn’t want or need me to glorify. Instead of feeling the redemptive power of the blood of Jesus, I was caught up in my own insecurities. The enemy didn’t have to point to the one spot on my robe and accuse me of anything, because I did that on my own. No matter how much God wanted to change my robe, and bring deliverance in my life, I was saying “look at this spot!” “Don’t you see it?” “I’m not worthy”. I was so caught up in this, that I couldn’t accept the one thing I needed to bring deliverance: God’s love.
Can we just take a moment to thank God for change, transformation, and for His never 
failing love. When God brought deliverance to my mind, He didn’t take the memories away, He just changed everything. He transformed my perception of my memories. He destroyed the altar to my mistakes, my disappointments, and my unforgiveness; and He built altars and landmarks of grace, mercy and love. Now when I remember where I am coming from, all the mistakes I have made and all my failings, I see the blood that was shed on Calvary which has washed my sins away. I see reminders of God’s love, peace, long-suffering, and His sacrifice. I can’t help but give Him worship. When I remember now I feel joy and freedom. I am no longer crippled by these emotions, I can now lift my hands to thank God for forgiveness.
If you are reading this, and you have found yourself in a similar place. Consider me the person sent to tell you that you need to forgive yourself. You have already been forgiven. God really does love you, and when you ask for forgiveness He really does grant it. Please don’t be like me, who got so caught up in pointing out to God that my mistakes were just too much for Him to forgive. I made the hurt and pain, the controller of my life, I made them idols, I built a pedestal to them in my life and I made them focal points. I allowed these emotions and my limited perception to steal the love, joy, comfort, peace etc. that God wanted to pour into me. Don’t be afraid to find someone to talk to if necessary. Don’t hide. Please don’t build emotional walls. If you find it hard talking to people, go to God and say “Lord Jesus I am finding it difficult to forgive myself. I am finding it difficult to move on. Please tear down these altars I have built to fear, hate, unforgiveness (whatever they may be), and rebuild landmarks to you glory. Help me! Help me break free of this, because I can’t do it on my own.” Please note that when you say, God forgive my trespasses as I forgive others, that includes you. Forgive yourself. I realized that if I didn’t I would continue being the road block to my deliverance, I was preventing God from changing me, and preventing Him from using my past for His glory.
I have found the ability to be open and honest with God about EVERYTHING, so beautiful. There are no limits to what you can pour out to God. Know that He hears and is just a prayer away.
Thank you for allowing me to share
- Ashley #followerofJesusChrist
